Thursday, May 24, 2012

Swimsuit Shopping...

Memorial Day weekend is upon us... no time like the present for purchasing a swimsuit...

Of course, this was not to be a day out of pleasant shopping (Who am I kidding?  When is the last time I had a complete day of pleasant shopping?) this is quick and ugly shopping... sort of like buying feminine products in a crowded Wal-Mart.

I just have one question...IS there anyone out there who actually likes shopping for a swimsuit?

Rather than risk boring you with a narrative on the subject, I'm just going to whittle it down to a list of a the top 10 reasons why this process is so horrible.  Feel free to add anything I've left out...

1.  They're so DAMN expensive!  Today I bit the bullet and spent 70.00 on a top, and 62 on a bottom.  Let's be real, is there an option here?  Is it really realistic for me to purchase just ONE of those pieces? and let's talk yardage - that's about 100.00 per square yard of fabric.  

2.  The myth of the "figure flattering" suit -  you know what I mean - the ones that tell you to get this type if you're a triangle shape, and that type if you're a rectangle and still another type if your a circle...  really?  all this from approximately 1 square yard of fabric?  - they know we're not wearing suits from the 1920's right?

3.  Why do pants come in regular sizes - 6, 8, 10, 12, and swimsuit bottoms come in "S, M, L, XL"?  today I was debating between two sizes and I got the bigger one, but now I'm worried that I might just loose it altogether if I get hit with a big wave, and if you think swimsuits are scary, SUDDEN SWIMSUIT LOSS would be even more scary... 

4.  Tops - S, M, L, XL?  Those miraculously replace all the sizes between 32A and 38C, right?  and what about those of us outside those parameters?  We are left to match tops like 30F (it's not as odd looking as you might think) with bottoms marked S, M, or L or XL. 

5.  Halter tops - I know this may just be a pet peeve of mine, but I don't need the weight of both my girls on the back of my neck.  I have enough problems with my neck as it is.  I want to put that burden on my puny shoulders instead.  

6.  Insufficient engineering - we can build a bridge across miles and miles of a frozen sea in Canada, but we can't sufficiently support two boobs at the beach? In the future, can we please put some of our best and brightest on this?  It's really a problem. 

7.  Who comes up with a majority of these prints, five year olds?  I do not want cherries on my butt.

8.  Jiggle, and lots of it.

9.  Jiggle's uglier sisters, Dimples and Rolls.

10.  People in the adjacent dressing rooms actually sounding cheerful, saying things like "oh, that looks so GOOD on you - you should definitely get THAT one"  They are all under 25 and have not yet discovered the meaning of the word "cellulite."

Thanks for letting me vent.  I feel better now. 

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